Many of you know why I was out of the country for the past week. If not, you can read a rundown of it here.
I’ve been back since Friday and am still in the process of…well, processing.
Sure, there was culture shock. But beyond that there was just shock. Every kind of shock imaginable. At one point Wednesday afternoon, there was a span of about three hours where I was both physically and emotionally drained for the first time in my life. I literally felt empty.
There were times when I felt like, while my intentions were good for being there, it was pointless in that it was for such a short time. Just another group of white people that visit for a while, show some love and then leave. Now, back home, I’m struggling to find the reason and significance in things. What’s the point in stocking the refrigerator after a $150 grocery trip? What’s the point in returning to a job that is creatively stifling and emotionally unrewarding?
At the risk of sounding cliched, the four days I spent in Nicaragua effectively changed my life. As I continue to process things, I am finding that much of it was for the good. I am also discovering that there are things I want to change about myself.
This might mean my writing will change. Maybe this blog will be shut down and be reborn under another style and title. Maybe the posts I’ve recently written on the monotony of much modern horror will be involved in it all. Maybe this sense of unbalance I’ve felt about the direction my writing and overall career path will finally shift one way or another.
I don’t know yet.
For now, as I said, I am still processing. Some of it is being sorted out through writing, which is a good thing. This makes me happy because as I was there in the moment and tried to write about my experiences on paper, the words would not come. They did not come because there were no proper words at first. My mind and heart drew a blank. There were simply no words.
But the words are slowly taking shape and sorting themselves out like kids rummaging through the box of a jigsaw puzzle. And soon, maybe I’ll share a few. I have several stories and pictures to share with whoever wants to listen but for now, it’s too close to me.
Until then…still processing.